I'm no expert. I have one. I started to major in elementary education, then realized that lots of little people make me nervous. You never know if they're gonna puke or pee, and you can't reason with them too well, so I switched to secondary ed and never looked back. But because I was a single mom for so very long, I had a lot of time to look at the joys and drawbacks of children.
First of all, I don't care what anyone tells you, they're a lot more work than you think they are. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but it's something to be aware of. It's one thing to read about 3 a.m. feedings and another to actually have to get up and do it. But nothing prepares you for the sheer amount of labor that goes into food prep and laundry and sleeplessness. And I wouldn't trade a day of it! Well, okay, maybe the day where he had to have his broken arm reset and it hurt him so much that I almost threw up. I'd definitely trade that for a day in the sun on the beach. But despite the long hours and the incredible stress, it's been well worth it.
It isn't for everyone, though, and one of the things that I've observed is that too many people have kids because they think they should. There are over 7 billion people on the planet, so if you don't want to have kids, please don't have them! I'll probably anger all the Right to Lifers out there, especially the fanatics who seem to respect unborn lives but not the rights of the already living, but I'm absolutely pro-choice simply because it is about choice. As I've said before, I was in an abusive relationship when I got pregnant, and I was emotionally and physically a wreck. I was strongly urged to abort, and failing that, to adopt him out. Good families were lined up for me. They were tough decisions to make, and I had to face each one square on. I couldn't use anything, laws or religion or personal squeamishness, to keep me from looking at the issues head-on. And I'm incredibly grateful that I did. I had the choice, and I chose NOT to abort, NOT to adopt out, to take the hard road. Whatever issues my son and I might have - and I know we've got plenty, thank you - he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wanted him all along. I couldn't hide behind a cloud of resentment when things were rough, couldn't say to myself, "Well, I had to have him because I didn't have a choice." I did, and I'm grateful that I did. I chose to have him, but that was my decision to make.
I have friends who have given up their children for adoption, and cry on their kids' birthdays, wondering who and where they are, and I've had friends who've had abortions, have grieved over the years but agree that it was the right thing for them to do. I support all the choices women can make because that's a big part of having it all - having to make the choices you can live with for the rest of your life. Being forced to have a child you'll ultimately resent is one of the worst choices a woman can make, in my opinion.
But once you've made the choice to go ahead and have kids, boy, you'd better have your sense of humor intact! My partner, Lillian, has a son herself, and she knows as well as I do the need for a sense of humor. Her two-year-old son greeted her one morning with complete pride and excitement over the "flowers" he'd made for her - eggs smashed on the linoleum. What can you do? You can scold and berate, or you can hug and laugh, and hold it over his head when he dates later on. She laughed.
So laugh with your kids. I lost my temper plenty, and I do regret that. I didn't play with him enough, and I regret that too. I was caught up in the gotta-make-a-living thing, and I did have to. We had no child support, were broke more often than not, but I could have made more time for fun. Fortunately we had lots of family and friends to help out, and the best babysitter on the planet (she's retired now, so don't ask) and we muddled through. And I suspect that's what most parents do, when you come right down to it. You make sure they get their shots and see the dentist and show up to school and do their homework (you hope!), and eat vaguely right, and learn to be nice to other people but not to be a complete doormat, and just get through each day, hopefully with more smiles than tears.
More and more people are doing it singly, and that's fabulous if you can do it. Having a spouse or a partner makes it much easier, as long as they really do help, but doing it alone isn't as traumatic as it used to be, and for that I am truly grateful. There isn't the stigma of bastardy that there was when I was growing up. Single parents were divorced back then, and they were looked at askance, but nowadays people are choosing to have children on their own without waiting for Mr. or Mrs./Ms. Right to come along. As long as you know what you're getting into - a LOT of work and some unbelievably cool rewards - then I'm more than a little happy for you. I'll root for parents who are parents by choice any day of the week!
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